Julian

 Julian was born late December. A study published in the Journal of Aging Research  shows that people born in that period of the year are likely to live very long lives. That’s science but on a more mystical level, he was born in the year of the Rabbit which is the luckiest in the Chinese calendar and it is very compatible with his zodiac sign, Capricorn. These two share similarities, not that I’m too into signs and numbers, but since we live in a world so observant of traditions, such traits tend to be expected in those around which makes adopting them fitting, so it is not just “superstition.” He’s intuitive, into his own world, and very sensitive. Milestones at age ten are a departure from childhood which is a period in our lives that is always difficult in anyone’s life, as it marks the departure from childhood and . Studies show that children, particularly boys, need their father in their lives. More than two thirds of criminals grew up without fathers and even those raised in good homes show more problems with depression and health issues when their biological father isn’t present. I knew this since I raised Isabel’s son whom I got at the age of 8, and pushed for his father to be involved in his life and for his mom (Isabel) to bring him to live with her just a year after meeting her. I know your husband has been a supportive figure in Julian’s life, and for that, I can not thank him enough. I don’t ask for much, only to speak with him once or twice a month, like I used to, maybe visit him one day soon like I haven’t in so long, and send them whatever he wants for the holidays which happens to be around the time of his birthday. This will be good for him, his identity. He may not say it, but he may be resentful towards me, and those wounds haunt a boy’s life. I am a grown man, I can take rejection fine, I can move on unscathed, but knowing that my absence could hurt him somehow isn’t an option. My father was not in my life, and I don’t want that for him. He wasn’t a bad father like my mother used to say, but not being there was not the problem. In fact, we had a relationship in which I played the father figure to him. He would speak about his own father and tell me his father had never loved him. I consoled him telling him that my grandpa, his dad, didn’t love anyone. They were dads from another century where emotions did not matter and we grew up in a world where emotions matter so much more which can be just as bad. I never resent my father and even though my mother says I love him more I love her, that is not true either. It is important for me, I found, as a father of two, to be more involved with my own father whom I now call and ask for from time to time. He lives in Venezuela, and it makes me a better dad knowing him, and sharing a few minutes a year. I’ve always been a good dad, not great, out of this world dad either, but above average. You met me being one, and I put Esteban above anything else. If I haven’t been in touch with Julian is not because I didn’t want to, again, I don’t blame you either. I tried reaching out to you, but for a few months that turned into two years, I could not reach you guys. In reference to the case with Esteban, it was dropped and I volunteered to take classes on parenthood and excelled at it. There were other fathers in that room and I pointed out to the counselor that the book we were given to read was outdated. It spoke of the difference between authoritarian and authoritative styles of implementing discipline. It’s 50’s psychology which is outdated, both types of love toward children have been revised and modern psychology favors a less strict and more accepting approach. It’s interesting but the subject of child psychology wasn’t even a thing until the late nineteenth century. Psychology itself is a science that is not two hundred years old. Nowadays we can read the marvelous Gabor Mate, you can find him on YouTube, and see how experiences of “discipline” negatively affect the developing brain, even as far back as when we were infants. If a mother decides to deny her child a nurturing embrace, as punishment for “bad behavior”, says the famed psychologist Gabor Mate, she could be scarring her infant doing so. We need more comprehension and understanding than stern discipline. If we look at ourselves, we make mistakes as adults all the time and we may expect a boss or a college professor to scold us about it harshly, but not hit us or put us on a time-out. We treat children in ways we would not stand for if others did so. We give them the “silent treatment”, we shout, we lose patience easily. I learned with Isabel’s son, whom I raised, that I could reason with him, but if I shouted, he would just resent me and grow apart. 

Esteban was diagnosed at the age of 2 with autism and was not expected to be verbal or communicative, and used to take running the minute that he was unsupervised. I taught him not only to walk, but also to count numbers since little, the ABC, and he eventually learned not just to speak both English and Spanish but also to write fluently and become a speller-bee in his school. He helps guide other children who were diagnosed with him and is a model of good conduct, helping his teacher guide other more severely autistic children often. You know how I put first being a father above anything else. At any age, a boy and his parents may not see eye to eye, and Julian being far closer to the Alpha Generation than he is to the Z generation (he was born the last year of that generation, just when Alpha Generation had begun), they prefer to be absorbed in a technological world that is far too much for kids nowadays. 

Jaron Lanier, who is a prominent figure in these issues, speaks about how technology is corrosive and can be harmful for adults, especially so for children. I took issue with that because he preferred his “game”, and invited me to be part of one of the characters so that we could meet online, but I vehemently opposed the idea because of it. I myself do not use cell phones. I’ve used them from time to time, but the older I get, the wiser, and I know and feel and am much better without all that radiation 24/7. This is not a criticism, I understand the culture is very much tuned in to their use, but going for a walk without a smartphone, reading a book instead of checking an app, etc., resonates far more with me. But then again, that’s just me, and it’s strange when I’m riding the subway in New York seeing everyone immersed in that little screen, as if you were extricated from that. What happens is, we get hits of dopamine when we overuse these devices. It is a widespread addiction. People talk about other addictions but nothing’s quite as serious as that. I am an oddball, though, especially in my older age. I don’t remember the last time I drank at a bar till late, if anything I drink very rarely and give  that I fast daily, I’m not hungry for food, an apple suffices and I don’t eat more than once or twice a day. And I could go days without eating, days without having conversations (no exaggeration). Not bragging, just illustrating the person I’ve gradually become since we last met. That vegan diet did a number on me, and I look and feel younger than in my early thirties. I’ve published two books that you can find on Amazon (don’t buy them, I could give them to you for free), and I write often online, and have a following of more than six hundred people on TikTok. If you allow it, I could put your content along with your bio or whatever info you’d like. Who knows, maybe some of those followers seek you out. You’re good at that sort of thing, and I’ve been looking for someone to publish some of the books I’ve written, and publish them on Google Books On Demand so that you can earn. I’ve ghost-written for people, so I could write or tutor others if need be. I know you don’t need any of this, but if you could tell me a story or an idea you want to explore in a book, I can read the foremost authors on the subject and have a book that you only need to stamp your name on. This may further your online profile, or help you grow, and I would love to contribute in any way I can. 

I go to the beach daily, and bring Esteban along on weekends. He always asks for Julian, looks at old pictures, remembers him and keeps him on his mind, as if he were reading mine. Because at no point has he ever left mine. I think of him every day, I loved him since the day he was born and I know that he will be okay, he is half me, and he is a keen, introspective soul. We may not see eye to eye with our children, but our road along them is about guidance, not comradeship. We are there to make sure they thrive and feel sure about life, not instill doubt and fear, and guide them in any shape or form. Nowadays, I tutor people in English classes, people from back home, and I teach Esteban something new every time we get together. I try myself to learn at least one new thing every day, and to experience something new, even if it’s taking a different path to the subway or taking a different route on my way home. I am still growing, too, and open to new perspectives and more innovative ways to do things.